sing me a lullaby

The very first time I wrote in this blog was about the GMT 6's.
I have found all of them now, thanks to facebook!
Okay, Rose is in Port Dickson still and now have 3 kids. Zura is so nearby my mother's place, she just moved there with her family! Oh I forgot to ask her how many kids she have but definitely she have a couple!
Midah is happy wih her 3 heroes Arjuna, Andika and Aniq and staying in Seremban with her family.
Zue is working in a bank in Klang and living with her husband and a beautiful baby girl.
The most surprising bit is Naem..she is in Johor and guess what? Married with 2 boys!!! And I was hoping she will be my partner when we meet all together as single ladies!
So officially I am the single lady now in the group and when we all meet I need to rent a couple of babies and a husband..anyone? :)))

I have sent you nothing but angels

When I was a little girl, I have always wondered why I have brothers and sisters.
Then when I was a teenager, I resented that I have parents and wished I was an orphan.
During my adolescent years, I hated human beings that came into my life with nothing but trouble.
Somehow for the past few months, after I turned 30, I came across a very inspiring spiritual book and I learnt that every soul that entered my life, they came with a reason of their own.
Each and everyone of them brought a message to my life and somehow I understand the message right away or it takes time for me to learn their messages.
A friend of mine said to me once, 'every person that entered your life brings a colour and that colour actually painted your life and make it colourful' (thanks Shazi).
My siblings taught me how to be a mature, patience and responsible sister.
My parents mistakes taught me how I can be a better parent in the future.
My relationships with men taught me how to be a loving and forgiving woman.
My friends brought out the most valuable characters in me.
And for all these, I have no reasons to hate any of them. I feel so free when I think only the good in others.
I know deep in my heart I have my dark side but my ability to see the good in others overcome my negative thoughts and ill feelings.
I pray that God will continue to bless me with these thoughts and make me see more love than hate.
It is true when He said 'I have sent you nothing but ANGELS'

Love is all there is.

Unlucky me..

I was in love once. I am pretty sure it was that one time I was ready to sacrifice all and everything for him. Then he left.
When he left, he gave me very good reasons for the break up. I don't know if it is true but the reasons have nothing to do with me. I was the perfect girl, he was just not ready. The worst part is, I bought the reasons.
When I missed him, I will get chest pains and difficulty in breathing. That was how I knew he was really important to me and I did love him that bad.

After 4 years, I knew I am not going to get those chest pains because, let's face it, I will not be in love anymore.
Unfortunately, I had this feeling again.
I was dating this guy casually. For two months or so, we had good laughs and good times together.
I felt comfortable around him, told him my secrets and worries and think about him everyday.
Then he started calling me sweetheart.
And last week, I had that chest pain. He was quite far away so I knew I am missing him.
I waited for him to come back and wanted to tell him that I had fell for him.
He came back a day earlier and we met.
I felt so happy and we were holding hands and talking to each other.
Then he told me, the last thing I wanted to hear in my entire life.

He had no choice but to keep his promise to his mother and have an arranged marriage.

Do you know that kind of feeling you think you understand the situation but somehow you are lost in words?
Oh sorry, let me rephrase..the feeling is like you get smashed in the head but you know that you are still alive and breathing?

That is exactly how I felt.
Well, what can I say? I was heartbroken because we would have been great together.
Poor guy...
Hope he will survive because I know I will..

lonely night,..

I did not sleep a wink last night. The culprit was Ferrero Rocher. I had one after midnight. Ok, two. Honestly, I had three.
Then I received an sms at 12.30am
‘What are you doing?’
I replied ‘Watching movie while doing my nails’ I colored my nails pink.
‘I felt so disturbed, can’t sleep’
I replied ‘Do you want me to come over and talk over some drinks?’ (I had hot milo in my mind)
No answer.
I started typing ala Louise Hay kind of affirmations to cheer her up but still no answer.
I guessed she decided not to talk so I continued shuffling the Astro channels while drying my nails.
After an hour, I still did not feel sleepy so I took out my cross-stitch.
Hallmark channel was showing Midsomer Murder. My favorite. Murder, mystery, motives. I just love the M word.
Therefore, I watched the two hours movie while doing my 8 years old cross-stitch (it is a huge flowery print that I am struggling to complete)
After that, I wanted to lie down and sleep but before that I went to toilet. In the bathroom, I glanced over at my bathtub.
Since I moved in, I have not had the chance to have a bubble bath. My shoulder and back was hurting from the cross stitch so I turned on the tap and start filling water in the tub.
I took out the Cassis Rose Bubble Bath and squeezed it out in the water.
Lighted up 20 scented candles, went to kitchen, and made a green tea.
I picked up a magazine and went to the bathroom.
It was 6am.
As I entered the tub of lukewarm water and sweet smelling rose bubbles, I smiled.
I soaked myself for almost 45 minutes. During that time, I tried to read the magazine but it was much better to just put my head down and close my eyes.
Somehow, thousand of thoughts were running in my head.
Thinking of why certain things happened the way they did.
Thinking of why that certain people behaved the way they did.
Thinking of whether or not, should I do that certain things after all?
Well, enough of thinking and as the water getting cold, I got up and wrapped myself in a towel.
I stepped on the scale. Hmmm...59kg. How to make it 4 or 5 kg less? Off course, exercise, exercise and exercise.
Ok no more thinking and asking myself questions, I finished my tea, went to kitchen, and had breakfast. Three pieces of French toasts. Great.
Another day to experience new things in life.

the phase

Few years ago, I was in two situations where two of my friends were getting married.
Let me call the first friend Wan and second friend Tue.
Wan called me up one night and asked me to spend the night at her place. She wanted second opinion. She was dating a married man and had came to a decision to marry him. Anyway, she wasn't sure about it. I guessed she was still on the fence of becoming his second wife.
That night we talked for hours till dawn. I assured her that being a second wife to a good man who can provide her and give her good life is not wrong. She didn't chose to fall in love with him but it happened anyhow. From what I have known from her and my own observations, he was a perfect guy.
I met Wan few days ago and we were reminiscing about old times with another friend. Wan is divorced now with two kids and what really surprised me, she talked about the night we spent and chatted about her marriage decision.
I somehow said something to her that made her married him. I said, as quoted by her, " You have to get married because unless you marry him, you wouldn't know how you will feel and what will happen. If you didn't marry then you will forever wonder what would have happen. If after marriage you are not happy then just walk out and always look back and say, I know how I feel now.."
She said my words stucked in her brain till the moment she had a mutual and understanding divorce from her husband.
I almost choked on my drink.

My other friend Tue had not asked for my advice but I was trying my very best so that she will not marry the guy she was with.
The thing is, I was the reason she knew her soon to-be husband. I introduced them with no intentions of hooking them up and a very confident feeling that they will not like each other. Somehow cupids played their parts and proved me wrong in 3 months!
When she decided to get married, I went all out and told her every nasty and ugly bits of him but somehow she said that people can change over the time and she believed that he had changed. Tue made such an effort for me to understand that this guy will take care of her. The truth is I knew him way far better to know his ability and limitations of making a woman happy. (I knew his exes, that was my firsthand sources about him)
She married him, had a kid and over the years she tried her best to pretend that she was happy until she couldn't do it anymore. I was there during her breakdowns and fights with him. I was there when she needed a place to getaway and avoid nasty arguments with him.She had very hard life, emotionally and financially with him. I did my very best to helped her and only used the phrase "I told you so" in my mind...
And recently, she informed me that she got pregnant with their second child.
Again, I almost choked on my drink.

Wan is happy now with her life. She is back in the single market and very excited about it. While Tue is still complaining about her man and the difficulties she will be having now that she is pregnant and leaving her job.

Meanwhile I am going through a phase with this amazing feeling that I was right in both their situations.That makes me thinking..should jump into the wagon now eh?

it is the time..

Exactly a month after the world was stunned with the death of Michael Jackson, we Malaysians are shocked over the demised of our most talented storyteller we had in decades. Many said that it was an untimely death for those talented human beings. God loved them more, they said.

Is there such thing as untimely death?

What is timely death then?

Yesterday, I went to visit my grandmother who was sick over the last few months and currently she got worse. Her kidneys failed and she is going through dialysis 3 times a week. She is 64 years old.

When I saw her yesterday, uneasiness crept all over me. She looked different and so frail. My mother couldn't bear to look at her feet because she worried she will see the sign of a person dying. We all know there is no hope she will back to her old self again, yet some family members still think there is hope. I just simply know that she will die soon.

I know I will not cry if she pass away. I am prepared for the news. The same way when my father died nine years ago. I didn't shed a tear because I saw his still eyes when he was in CCU and told him quietly,'just go and don't worry' He died few hours later. I am not superstitious, but I believed if I didn't say that he will still be in CCU for few more days, with all my crying family around him hoping he will not die yet. No one wanted to accept the fact he would die at the age of forty.

When my most favorite aunt lost his youngest son about three years ago, I stood still at his funeral looking at his lifeless body and wondering why he died at the age of 13? He only had a fever but he passed away in his sleep, leaving his parents blaming themselves because they thought he was resting after medication and only realized that he was gone the next morning.

My best friend in college commited suicide a week before final exams and I am still baffling with myself to this very day of the reason she decided to kill herself. When I helped with the bathing and cleaning ritual of her body, I was holding her head and saw her face so calm and I swear her lips looked like she was smiling. Why on earth a 19 year old commit suicide when she have her whole life in front of her?

I grew up being taught that I must fear death and to fear death is a symbol of fearing God.

If I fear death, then will death evades me? Or will God loves me more?

The phrase ' Tuhan lebih sayangkan dia ' really annoyed me because I don't understand it. Maybe I will never understand it. One thing for sure, there is nothing untimely about those people who died. It is just because the time is up therefore the souls must leave and we must let them go.

Al-Fatihah.

What happened the past 8 months?

What happened the past 8 months?

1. I promised I will marry him. And I am getting married to him.
2. My cooking skills getting better but going nowhere.
3. Learnt Cyrillic alphabets, got to start reading.
4. Colored my hair 4 times.
5. Read 9 books.
6. Had embarassing fights with my bestfriend. Tough one.
7. Quit smoking. At least 7 times. At this moment, not smoking for days.
8. Put on weight from 54kg to 59kg and trying my ass out to lose the extra kilos. Fuck it.
9. Cried a lot when watching nostalgic Indian movies. At least 5 times.
10. Had gastric attack for the first time.
11. Oh, turned 30 in June.
12. Didnt lost my phone even once this year which is good usually already lost two by this time.
13. Loving myself and people around me more than before.
14. Did a couple of things that I thought I will never do like sewing,acting,jumping jack.
15. This is just recent, I dont think about time anymore. Except being punctual, the concept of early,late,no time,more time does not apply to my life now.

Quite busy in 8 months there, haven't I??

2009

Well, well it is already end of January 2009. Made any new year resolutions? Yup. Try keeping it? Nope. Resolutions are meant to be broken ha..ha. Anyway, I will be 30 this year and I hope to make at least one of my resolution sees the reality. The last couple of months I came across this book, "Conversation With God" and this book truly changed me and I was never the same again! Well, that is not entirely true because I still have the same attitudes however I started thinking so much. At least it has changed my perceptions about religions and human beings. Thank you to that special person who introduced me to Neale Donald Walsch (the book, not the person perse)What amazed me was, I literally carry the book everywhere in my handbag so I will read it over and over again whenever I could. I discover something new each timeI read it. I just found out that God is funny (not funny the bad way but humorous, I think) and the ways to communicate with God, my,really blew me away. I am on the Second book now and it gets more interesting as it involves more into relationships in all ways. Writing this, I officially can say that my life is not bad at all given the circumstances of what I want in this life. This morning I told a friend that I am not afraid of death and I was shocked myself because I was so calm and really meant what I said. You see, I was the kind of person who is afraid of dark and falling down in the bathtub so it is fair that statement would surprise anybody who knows me well. I was afraid of dying as I was sure as heaven that I would go to hell... Well, not anymore ;-)