lonely night,..

I did not sleep a wink last night. The culprit was Ferrero Rocher. I had one after midnight. Ok, two. Honestly, I had three.
Then I received an sms at 12.30am
‘What are you doing?’
I replied ‘Watching movie while doing my nails’ I colored my nails pink.
‘I felt so disturbed, can’t sleep’
I replied ‘Do you want me to come over and talk over some drinks?’ (I had hot milo in my mind)
No answer.
I started typing ala Louise Hay kind of affirmations to cheer her up but still no answer.
I guessed she decided not to talk so I continued shuffling the Astro channels while drying my nails.
After an hour, I still did not feel sleepy so I took out my cross-stitch.
Hallmark channel was showing Midsomer Murder. My favorite. Murder, mystery, motives. I just love the M word.
Therefore, I watched the two hours movie while doing my 8 years old cross-stitch (it is a huge flowery print that I am struggling to complete)
After that, I wanted to lie down and sleep but before that I went to toilet. In the bathroom, I glanced over at my bathtub.
Since I moved in, I have not had the chance to have a bubble bath. My shoulder and back was hurting from the cross stitch so I turned on the tap and start filling water in the tub.
I took out the Cassis Rose Bubble Bath and squeezed it out in the water.
Lighted up 20 scented candles, went to kitchen, and made a green tea.
I picked up a magazine and went to the bathroom.
It was 6am.
As I entered the tub of lukewarm water and sweet smelling rose bubbles, I smiled.
I soaked myself for almost 45 minutes. During that time, I tried to read the magazine but it was much better to just put my head down and close my eyes.
Somehow, thousand of thoughts were running in my head.
Thinking of why certain things happened the way they did.
Thinking of why that certain people behaved the way they did.
Thinking of whether or not, should I do that certain things after all?
Well, enough of thinking and as the water getting cold, I got up and wrapped myself in a towel.
I stepped on the scale. Hmmm...59kg. How to make it 4 or 5 kg less? Off course, exercise, exercise and exercise.
Ok no more thinking and asking myself questions, I finished my tea, went to kitchen, and had breakfast. Three pieces of French toasts. Great.
Another day to experience new things in life.

the phase

Few years ago, I was in two situations where two of my friends were getting married.
Let me call the first friend Wan and second friend Tue.
Wan called me up one night and asked me to spend the night at her place. She wanted second opinion. She was dating a married man and had came to a decision to marry him. Anyway, she wasn't sure about it. I guessed she was still on the fence of becoming his second wife.
That night we talked for hours till dawn. I assured her that being a second wife to a good man who can provide her and give her good life is not wrong. She didn't chose to fall in love with him but it happened anyhow. From what I have known from her and my own observations, he was a perfect guy.
I met Wan few days ago and we were reminiscing about old times with another friend. Wan is divorced now with two kids and what really surprised me, she talked about the night we spent and chatted about her marriage decision.
I somehow said something to her that made her married him. I said, as quoted by her, " You have to get married because unless you marry him, you wouldn't know how you will feel and what will happen. If you didn't marry then you will forever wonder what would have happen. If after marriage you are not happy then just walk out and always look back and say, I know how I feel now.."
She said my words stucked in her brain till the moment she had a mutual and understanding divorce from her husband.
I almost choked on my drink.

My other friend Tue had not asked for my advice but I was trying my very best so that she will not marry the guy she was with.
The thing is, I was the reason she knew her soon to-be husband. I introduced them with no intentions of hooking them up and a very confident feeling that they will not like each other. Somehow cupids played their parts and proved me wrong in 3 months!
When she decided to get married, I went all out and told her every nasty and ugly bits of him but somehow she said that people can change over the time and she believed that he had changed. Tue made such an effort for me to understand that this guy will take care of her. The truth is I knew him way far better to know his ability and limitations of making a woman happy. (I knew his exes, that was my firsthand sources about him)
She married him, had a kid and over the years she tried her best to pretend that she was happy until she couldn't do it anymore. I was there during her breakdowns and fights with him. I was there when she needed a place to getaway and avoid nasty arguments with him.She had very hard life, emotionally and financially with him. I did my very best to helped her and only used the phrase "I told you so" in my mind...
And recently, she informed me that she got pregnant with their second child.
Again, I almost choked on my drink.

Wan is happy now with her life. She is back in the single market and very excited about it. While Tue is still complaining about her man and the difficulties she will be having now that she is pregnant and leaving her job.

Meanwhile I am going through a phase with this amazing feeling that I was right in both their situations.That makes me thinking..should jump into the wagon now eh?

it is the time..

Exactly a month after the world was stunned with the death of Michael Jackson, we Malaysians are shocked over the demised of our most talented storyteller we had in decades. Many said that it was an untimely death for those talented human beings. God loved them more, they said.

Is there such thing as untimely death?

What is timely death then?

Yesterday, I went to visit my grandmother who was sick over the last few months and currently she got worse. Her kidneys failed and she is going through dialysis 3 times a week. She is 64 years old.

When I saw her yesterday, uneasiness crept all over me. She looked different and so frail. My mother couldn't bear to look at her feet because she worried she will see the sign of a person dying. We all know there is no hope she will back to her old self again, yet some family members still think there is hope. I just simply know that she will die soon.

I know I will not cry if she pass away. I am prepared for the news. The same way when my father died nine years ago. I didn't shed a tear because I saw his still eyes when he was in CCU and told him quietly,'just go and don't worry' He died few hours later. I am not superstitious, but I believed if I didn't say that he will still be in CCU for few more days, with all my crying family around him hoping he will not die yet. No one wanted to accept the fact he would die at the age of forty.

When my most favorite aunt lost his youngest son about three years ago, I stood still at his funeral looking at his lifeless body and wondering why he died at the age of 13? He only had a fever but he passed away in his sleep, leaving his parents blaming themselves because they thought he was resting after medication and only realized that he was gone the next morning.

My best friend in college commited suicide a week before final exams and I am still baffling with myself to this very day of the reason she decided to kill herself. When I helped with the bathing and cleaning ritual of her body, I was holding her head and saw her face so calm and I swear her lips looked like she was smiling. Why on earth a 19 year old commit suicide when she have her whole life in front of her?

I grew up being taught that I must fear death and to fear death is a symbol of fearing God.

If I fear death, then will death evades me? Or will God loves me more?

The phrase ' Tuhan lebih sayangkan dia ' really annoyed me because I don't understand it. Maybe I will never understand it. One thing for sure, there is nothing untimely about those people who died. It is just because the time is up therefore the souls must leave and we must let them go.

Al-Fatihah.

What happened the past 8 months?

What happened the past 8 months?

1. I promised I will marry him. And I am getting married to him.
2. My cooking skills getting better but going nowhere.
3. Learnt Cyrillic alphabets, got to start reading.
4. Colored my hair 4 times.
5. Read 9 books.
6. Had embarassing fights with my bestfriend. Tough one.
7. Quit smoking. At least 7 times. At this moment, not smoking for days.
8. Put on weight from 54kg to 59kg and trying my ass out to lose the extra kilos. Fuck it.
9. Cried a lot when watching nostalgic Indian movies. At least 5 times.
10. Had gastric attack for the first time.
11. Oh, turned 30 in June.
12. Didnt lost my phone even once this year which is good usually already lost two by this time.
13. Loving myself and people around me more than before.
14. Did a couple of things that I thought I will never do like sewing,acting,jumping jack.
15. This is just recent, I dont think about time anymore. Except being punctual, the concept of early,late,no time,more time does not apply to my life now.

Quite busy in 8 months there, haven't I??