What if?

As I was lying in bed, another sleepless night thinking about my brother's wedding which will take place in less than four months, I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if I would have accepted one of the marriage proposals I had received over the years.

The first proposal came when I was 17 years old and just finished my secondary school. Some woman saw me at a wedding of my relatives' and asked my grandmother if I would like to be married off to his son. My father said no, obviously because I was going to further my study. A couple of months later I went to college. I didn't even know what that guy looks like.

The second one came when I was 20 years old. My first boyfriend, Hubert Humphrey (I know!) was 11 years older than me and after 4 months together he asked me to marry him. I almost said yes but there was a catch. I have to move to Bintulu, Sarawak his hometown and because his work also based him there. I said no because I was ready to commit to him, he would have been a perfect husband but I wasn't ready to leave my family and live across the sea in Borneo. We broke up and few months later he got married to one of his ex-girlfriend.

After that, I met a little Egyptian man who was also an Australian. I was 23 years old. One thing led to another and he offered me a job in Cherating where I have to assist his Australian manager setting up a resort. Salary was good and after 4 months, out of the blue he asked me to marry him over a dinner. I was shocked since I knew he really liked me but I didn't expect him to make me his fourth wife! Yes, he have three wives and 7 sons with his oldest son just two years younger than me. I would have been the last woman to close his quota. I didn't answer him but the next day I emailed my resignation letter and left to Kuala Lumpur the same day. Sam, as I fondly knew him of died two years later in his sleep. He was 44 years old at the time of his death.

Another weird marriage proposal I had was from a brain surgeon few years ago. He is like me, an Indian decent and was in his late 30's. I met him over for coffee because he was pestering my girlfriend to introduce me to him. Just that one coffee, when he proposed I quickly realized this doctor have some problem with his brain. I avoided him after that and never see him again.

My last boyfriend was 6 years younger than me, he was adorable but possessive and we had love-hate relationship for over a year until he proposed that we get married. I said yes, without knowing the reason. Probably I was turning 30 years old and the thought of not being married yet actually prompted me to say yes. He gave me a ring and we planned to have a simple wedding in few months time. Both of our family agreed to our decision but I was still in the dark of becoming his wife. Then he did the unthinkable, he left to St. Petersburg and then he took up a job in Dubai for a year. Taking it as a sign that maybe we are not suppose to get married yet, I broke up with him via Skype a year later.

It has been less than a year now since any new marriage proposals. Come to think of it, what would have happened if I did get married to one of the above? I could have been an inexperience depressed housewife or young wife with good life in Sarawak or young rich widow with 7 stepsons hating my guts or a doctor's wife with mental problem or the possibility of an unhappy marriage with a young husband. It could have been worse or it could have been better.

It is no use to look back at the past now but these experiences gave me a little something to think about. I don't think of marriage like I used to before, it is not an agenda in my life now but it will be an option I have to consider thoroughly if it cross my life again. However, I know I will tie the knot because I love the man I am with. Never say never and who knows the next one might have a few surprises in it!

Obsession with Life

The last 4 days I camped in my sister's apartment. I didn't go out or do anything, I felt sick and kind of losing my mind.

When I came over,I thought to myself..okay..just two days of depression and then I will bounce back on my feet. Boy, depressed I really was..for 4 whole days!

I didn't answer any calls and all I did was lying on the couch and just ate wholemeal bread.

My sister couldn't help but just make a cynical remark that I am depressed because I don't have a boyfriend. Well, I couldn't help but wonder how much she really knows me. Not that well..I assumed.

Not having a boyfriend is the last thing I can worry about. Yes, I got really worried because I just realized that I don't have a life.

Maybe it's the new year jitters or maybe I am really sloppy. I created so much unnecessary issues in my life now that I don't know where I am or where I am going to be anytime soon.

I always heard people complaining about how their lives doesn't work the way they want it to be.

As for myself, I don't complain about life but I just get upset trying to understand it.

Since the age of 20 when I started to be the decision maker of my own life, I can say that I am not a good decision maker. I made wrong choices and did quite a number of unpleasant things. But hey, who doesn't?

Well, there lies the core issue..after 11 years I should have done something right,no?

Nope, I didn't. Wrong choice of lifestyle, wrong choice of men and wrong choice of career.

I judged myself because really no one like to be judged by others.

Now the pertinent issue is I don't know what I want. I changed like the seasons changed. I am not consistent and I don't work hard enough to get what I want. But wait..I don't know what I want so I am back at square one.

I had positive people around me most of the time. A couple of them I can say like mentors and are willing to guide me to understand what life is really about. I pushed them away. Not because I don't like to be guided but just because I don't know what I want.

Life is not a destination but it is a journey. I read that somewhere before. I believe in that sentence but why am I hating this journey?

A friend said to me that I am not using my potential to become what I could have become. Again I am trying to be smart, how can I use my potential if I don't know what I want to become?

In few hours I will be starting a new day, coming out of this so called depression period and I believe I might come to a conclusion of what I am going to do next. I also believe this is just a stumbling block that I myself created to make way for what I cannot achieve in life so far. Boy, this the worst part..knowing your weakness and recognizing it but no action taken to overcome it. Sound like a loser..

Well, venting will not take us anywhere, that's for sure. I have to change. I have to stop looking back at the past. I have a lot of baggage waiting for me to be sorted out. I don't want to give up.

I do have something inside that I need to let out and let go of so I might just find a way to do it.

One way or another.