I want to quit

This afternoon I woke up, feeling dizzy. I was looking around and straight to my brain I want to smoke.

I did not smoke since Saturday and it has been two days and I realized I should take this opportunity to quit. I was with someone who don't smoke for almost a year and half, I tried to quit when I was with him, succeeded for few months then started again after he left me. Nevertheless, I have tried to quit on my own for hundreth time, failing each time and I know I must somehow kick this butt off.

Oh, I wasn't smoking since Saturday because I was spending time with a friend who don't smoke and to respect him, I didn't light up. (I did not buy any ciggie either after I finished the last one)

Why is it so hard to quit this filthy habit? I started smoking 8 years ago, and many people told me that the chances to quit this habit is better now than later.

To quit this addiction, I need to replace with another addiction. And I don't want to replace it with food like some people does. I want to get addicted to another person. Yeah I know, sound scary.

I will go through this, I will quit.

Does smoking from another person's ciggie count as smoking as whole? Yeah, right.

MEN-love and loath them

This morning I had a dream. I dreamt I died in a fire explosion. The previous week I went through two major crisis hence the dream, I guess. But the crisis was not about me. It happened to two of my good friends.

One of them got divorced one early morning and the night before that she was with me. So I was the last person who saw her as a married woman. I told her to accept her divorce as a blessing in disguise as she was physically abused way too many times by her husband. She is surviving though and for the past one week she keep coming back and reporting to me that she is doing well.

My other friend was in a complicated relationship with her boyfriend. 7 months they were together and they broke up like for the hundreth times. Everytime she break up, she will be ok for couple of days, promising not to be back with him but two days later she will be spending the night at his place and get back to the complicated relationship. Last week, for the first time she was physically abused by him, and I was the first person to see her the next morning before anyone else. I was in shocked as I never thought he will beat her up. She looked really bad.

For few days she swears that she will get rid of him for good and I had always wanted her to free herself from him as during the period they were together, I did not see that they are being happy but one after another arguments and fights. But this is what they define love, then who am I to say anything.

This morning, I was angry as I found out she went back to him. More sad than angry actually, but seriously I can never comprehend how women can be so vulnerable and easily forgive the men who hurt them physically. Are we that weak or is just a fact that men are stronger?

The funny thing is I thought my first friend who was abused for years before she got divorced was the weaker girl than the second one. Guess I was wrong.

All the men I had so far in my life never lift a finger on me, saying that, I am intolerent towards men who abuse their women.

There is never a good reason to hit the woman that you claim you love.

how it all begun

I was 18 when I got the nickname 'Chickweed'. My groupie consisted 6 of us, 'Zue Nutrie' from Jengka, Pahang (because she like Nutri products) 'Naim Banat' from Pahang (because there was a school named Naim Al Banat, if I'm not mistaken) 'Zura Amoi' from Tapah, Perak (because she have very chinese look) 'Rose Swanz' from Lukut, N. Sembilan (because she always wear Shwarzenbach sweater) and 'Midah Limau' from Pahang also (because she is crazy for all kind of citrus fruits).

And I got mine because on first day of matriculation, I wore a skirt to class where from three blocks of buildings, boys kept "pheeewittt"ing me and then I realized none of the girls in college wear skirts, period.

My groupie got together by accident because we were all roomates with one another. And we called ourselves "the GMT 6" because of Garfield, Mickey and Tweety. I don't remember who came up with the idea but we liked the name and that was how the rest of the students addressed us.

During the period of matriculation, we will come up with crazy ideas to make our group more popular especially Naim Banat. Once we wore baju kurung with different top and bottom, switching with one another. On Talent Night we became 'Spice Girls' and performed '2 become 1'. We borrowed from guys shirts and ties and dressed up like boys and took pictures around our block. We celebrated everyone birthdays out to town. We watched Titanic at the cinema (in Bahau!) 3 times and worshipped Leonardo Dicaprio.
We always eat together, we did all activities together.

It was one of my best moments in life.

And now I have no idea where they are. It has been 10 years since we parted ways. Everyone except Midah Limau didn't make it to university.

The last time I heard from Rose Swanz when she had a baby girl, 5 years ago.

I missed them and I hope one day we will all meet again.

I hope they still remember me, the girl who were always correcting their English and made Zue Nutrie cried that she left matriculation without taking her final exam...