What if?

As I was lying in bed, another sleepless night thinking about my brother's wedding which will take place in less than four months, I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if I would have accepted one of the marriage proposals I had received over the years.

The first proposal came when I was 17 years old and just finished my secondary school. Some woman saw me at a wedding of my relatives' and asked my grandmother if I would like to be married off to his son. My father said no, obviously because I was going to further my study. A couple of months later I went to college. I didn't even know what that guy looks like.

The second one came when I was 20 years old. My first boyfriend, Hubert Humphrey (I know!) was 11 years older than me and after 4 months together he asked me to marry him. I almost said yes but there was a catch. I have to move to Bintulu, Sarawak his hometown and because his work also based him there. I said no because I was ready to commit to him, he would have been a perfect husband but I wasn't ready to leave my family and live across the sea in Borneo. We broke up and few months later he got married to one of his ex-girlfriend.

After that, I met a little Egyptian man who was also an Australian. I was 23 years old. One thing led to another and he offered me a job in Cherating where I have to assist his Australian manager setting up a resort. Salary was good and after 4 months, out of the blue he asked me to marry him over a dinner. I was shocked since I knew he really liked me but I didn't expect him to make me his fourth wife! Yes, he have three wives and 7 sons with his oldest son just two years younger than me. I would have been the last woman to close his quota. I didn't answer him but the next day I emailed my resignation letter and left to Kuala Lumpur the same day. Sam, as I fondly knew him of died two years later in his sleep. He was 44 years old at the time of his death.

Another weird marriage proposal I had was from a brain surgeon few years ago. He is like me, an Indian decent and was in his late 30's. I met him over for coffee because he was pestering my girlfriend to introduce me to him. Just that one coffee, when he proposed I quickly realized this doctor have some problem with his brain. I avoided him after that and never see him again.

My last boyfriend was 6 years younger than me, he was adorable but possessive and we had love-hate relationship for over a year until he proposed that we get married. I said yes, without knowing the reason. Probably I was turning 30 years old and the thought of not being married yet actually prompted me to say yes. He gave me a ring and we planned to have a simple wedding in few months time. Both of our family agreed to our decision but I was still in the dark of becoming his wife. Then he did the unthinkable, he left to St. Petersburg and then he took up a job in Dubai for a year. Taking it as a sign that maybe we are not suppose to get married yet, I broke up with him via Skype a year later.

It has been less than a year now since any new marriage proposals. Come to think of it, what would have happened if I did get married to one of the above? I could have been an inexperience depressed housewife or young wife with good life in Sarawak or young rich widow with 7 stepsons hating my guts or a doctor's wife with mental problem or the possibility of an unhappy marriage with a young husband. It could have been worse or it could have been better.

It is no use to look back at the past now but these experiences gave me a little something to think about. I don't think of marriage like I used to before, it is not an agenda in my life now but it will be an option I have to consider thoroughly if it cross my life again. However, I know I will tie the knot because I love the man I am with. Never say never and who knows the next one might have a few surprises in it!

MEN-love and loath them

This morning I had a dream. I dreamt I died in a fire explosion. The previous week I went through two major crisis hence the dream, I guess. But the crisis was not about me. It happened to two of my good friends.

One of them got divorced one early morning and the night before that she was with me. So I was the last person who saw her as a married woman. I told her to accept her divorce as a blessing in disguise as she was physically abused way too many times by her husband. She is surviving though and for the past one week she keep coming back and reporting to me that she is doing well.

My other friend was in a complicated relationship with her boyfriend. 7 months they were together and they broke up like for the hundreth times. Everytime she break up, she will be ok for couple of days, promising not to be back with him but two days later she will be spending the night at his place and get back to the complicated relationship. Last week, for the first time she was physically abused by him, and I was the first person to see her the next morning before anyone else. I was in shocked as I never thought he will beat her up. She looked really bad.

For few days she swears that she will get rid of him for good and I had always wanted her to free herself from him as during the period they were together, I did not see that they are being happy but one after another arguments and fights. But this is what they define love, then who am I to say anything.

This morning, I was angry as I found out she went back to him. More sad than angry actually, but seriously I can never comprehend how women can be so vulnerable and easily forgive the men who hurt them physically. Are we that weak or is just a fact that men are stronger?

The funny thing is I thought my first friend who was abused for years before she got divorced was the weaker girl than the second one. Guess I was wrong.

All the men I had so far in my life never lift a finger on me, saying that, I am intolerent towards men who abuse their women.

There is never a good reason to hit the woman that you claim you love.