When I came over,I thought to myself..okay..just two days of depression and then I will bounce back on my feet. Boy, depressed I really was..for 4 whole days!
I didn't answer any calls and all I did was lying on the couch and just ate wholemeal bread.
My sister couldn't help but just make a cynical remark that I am depressed because I don't have a boyfriend. Well, I couldn't help but wonder how much she really knows me. Not that well..I assumed.
Not having a boyfriend is the last thing I can worry about. Yes, I got really worried because I just realized that I don't have a life.
Maybe it's the new year jitters or maybe I am really sloppy. I created so much unnecessary issues in my life now that I don't know where I am or where I am going to be anytime soon.
I always heard people complaining about how their lives doesn't work the way they want it to be.
As for myself, I don't complain about life but I just get upset trying to understand it.
Since the age of 20 when I started to be the decision maker of my own life, I can say that I am not a good decision maker. I made wrong choices and did quite a number of unpleasant things. But hey, who doesn't?
Well, there lies the core issue..after 11 years I should have done something right,no?
Nope, I didn't. Wrong choice of lifestyle, wrong choice of men and wrong choice of career.
I judged myself because really no one like to be judged by others.
Now the pertinent issue is I don't know what I want. I changed like the seasons changed. I am not consistent and I don't work hard enough to get what I want. But wait..I don't know what I want so I am back at square one.
I had positive people around me most of the time. A couple of them I can say like mentors and are willing to guide me to understand what life is really about. I pushed them away. Not because I don't like to be guided but just because I don't know what I want.
Life is not a destination but it is a journey. I read that somewhere before. I believe in that sentence but why am I hating this journey?
A friend said to me that I am not using my potential to become what I could have become. Again I am trying to be smart, how can I use my potential if I don't know what I want to become?
In few hours I will be starting a new day, coming out of this so called depression period and I believe I might come to a conclusion of what I am going to do next. I also believe this is just a stumbling block that I myself created to make way for what I cannot achieve in life so far. Boy, this the worst part..knowing your weakness and recognizing it but no action taken to overcome it. Sound like a loser..
Well, venting will not take us anywhere, that's for sure. I have to change. I have to stop looking back at the past. I have a lot of baggage waiting for me to be sorted out. I don't want to give up.
I do have something inside that I need to let out and let go of so I might just find a way to do it.
One way or another.
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