What if?

As I was lying in bed, another sleepless night thinking about my brother's wedding which will take place in less than four months, I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if I would have accepted one of the marriage proposals I had received over the years.

The first proposal came when I was 17 years old and just finished my secondary school. Some woman saw me at a wedding of my relatives' and asked my grandmother if I would like to be married off to his son. My father said no, obviously because I was going to further my study. A couple of months later I went to college. I didn't even know what that guy looks like.

The second one came when I was 20 years old. My first boyfriend, Hubert Humphrey (I know!) was 11 years older than me and after 4 months together he asked me to marry him. I almost said yes but there was a catch. I have to move to Bintulu, Sarawak his hometown and because his work also based him there. I said no because I was ready to commit to him, he would have been a perfect husband but I wasn't ready to leave my family and live across the sea in Borneo. We broke up and few months later he got married to one of his ex-girlfriend.

After that, I met a little Egyptian man who was also an Australian. I was 23 years old. One thing led to another and he offered me a job in Cherating where I have to assist his Australian manager setting up a resort. Salary was good and after 4 months, out of the blue he asked me to marry him over a dinner. I was shocked since I knew he really liked me but I didn't expect him to make me his fourth wife! Yes, he have three wives and 7 sons with his oldest son just two years younger than me. I would have been the last woman to close his quota. I didn't answer him but the next day I emailed my resignation letter and left to Kuala Lumpur the same day. Sam, as I fondly knew him of died two years later in his sleep. He was 44 years old at the time of his death.

Another weird marriage proposal I had was from a brain surgeon few years ago. He is like me, an Indian decent and was in his late 30's. I met him over for coffee because he was pestering my girlfriend to introduce me to him. Just that one coffee, when he proposed I quickly realized this doctor have some problem with his brain. I avoided him after that and never see him again.

My last boyfriend was 6 years younger than me, he was adorable but possessive and we had love-hate relationship for over a year until he proposed that we get married. I said yes, without knowing the reason. Probably I was turning 30 years old and the thought of not being married yet actually prompted me to say yes. He gave me a ring and we planned to have a simple wedding in few months time. Both of our family agreed to our decision but I was still in the dark of becoming his wife. Then he did the unthinkable, he left to St. Petersburg and then he took up a job in Dubai for a year. Taking it as a sign that maybe we are not suppose to get married yet, I broke up with him via Skype a year later.

It has been less than a year now since any new marriage proposals. Come to think of it, what would have happened if I did get married to one of the above? I could have been an inexperience depressed housewife or young wife with good life in Sarawak or young rich widow with 7 stepsons hating my guts or a doctor's wife with mental problem or the possibility of an unhappy marriage with a young husband. It could have been worse or it could have been better.

It is no use to look back at the past now but these experiences gave me a little something to think about. I don't think of marriage like I used to before, it is not an agenda in my life now but it will be an option I have to consider thoroughly if it cross my life again. However, I know I will tie the knot because I love the man I am with. Never say never and who knows the next one might have a few surprises in it!

Obsession with Life

The last 4 days I camped in my sister's apartment. I didn't go out or do anything, I felt sick and kind of losing my mind.

When I came over,I thought to myself..okay..just two days of depression and then I will bounce back on my feet. Boy, depressed I really was..for 4 whole days!

I didn't answer any calls and all I did was lying on the couch and just ate wholemeal bread.

My sister couldn't help but just make a cynical remark that I am depressed because I don't have a boyfriend. Well, I couldn't help but wonder how much she really knows me. Not that well..I assumed.

Not having a boyfriend is the last thing I can worry about. Yes, I got really worried because I just realized that I don't have a life.

Maybe it's the new year jitters or maybe I am really sloppy. I created so much unnecessary issues in my life now that I don't know where I am or where I am going to be anytime soon.

I always heard people complaining about how their lives doesn't work the way they want it to be.

As for myself, I don't complain about life but I just get upset trying to understand it.

Since the age of 20 when I started to be the decision maker of my own life, I can say that I am not a good decision maker. I made wrong choices and did quite a number of unpleasant things. But hey, who doesn't?

Well, there lies the core issue..after 11 years I should have done something right,no?

Nope, I didn't. Wrong choice of lifestyle, wrong choice of men and wrong choice of career.

I judged myself because really no one like to be judged by others.

Now the pertinent issue is I don't know what I want. I changed like the seasons changed. I am not consistent and I don't work hard enough to get what I want. But wait..I don't know what I want so I am back at square one.

I had positive people around me most of the time. A couple of them I can say like mentors and are willing to guide me to understand what life is really about. I pushed them away. Not because I don't like to be guided but just because I don't know what I want.

Life is not a destination but it is a journey. I read that somewhere before. I believe in that sentence but why am I hating this journey?

A friend said to me that I am not using my potential to become what I could have become. Again I am trying to be smart, how can I use my potential if I don't know what I want to become?

In few hours I will be starting a new day, coming out of this so called depression period and I believe I might come to a conclusion of what I am going to do next. I also believe this is just a stumbling block that I myself created to make way for what I cannot achieve in life so far. Boy, this the worst part..knowing your weakness and recognizing it but no action taken to overcome it. Sound like a loser..

Well, venting will not take us anywhere, that's for sure. I have to change. I have to stop looking back at the past. I have a lot of baggage waiting for me to be sorted out. I don't want to give up.

I do have something inside that I need to let out and let go of so I might just find a way to do it.

One way or another.

The Beginning

It was a beautiful late afternoon. So beautiful that I can still feel the heat and every moment of that time. The restaurant was amazing, the food was wonderful and the man in front of me looked so flawless that I felt so shy to be sitting at the same table with him.

He made sure I felt comfortable at that moment. After spending the last night together and he was leaving that afternoon, I decided to put aside my rights and wrongs and spent the day before his departure with him.

Man : And so? What are you thinking?

Me : Nothing. Just felt happy. I didn't thought I would be sitting here with you.

Man : Why is that? You don't want to be here with me?

Me : I am sorry to tell you this. I am with someone else..you are just my one nightstand. Besides you are not my type.

Man : What? Are you saying your someone else is better looking than me? That is weird.

Me : No..I didn't mean it that way.

Man : You are not my type too. I prefer thin and blonde women.

He chuckled. I gave him my squinted eyes look.

Man : Do you love your boyfriend?

I took a long pause. Stared at my wine glass. Fighting in my mind, whether I should be telling the truth to a stranger that I just had two or maybe three nights with. Somehow he had this look on his face, the look that makes me want to pour my heart out to him. Finally I spoke.

Me : He is not here. We were together for two years and he left almost 8 months now.

Man : So you waiting for him?

Me : Yes. We are getting married.

Man : Do you love him?

Me : He loves me. A lot.

And for the next few minutes, I was elaborating certain events and incidents of my relationship that I knew was not making sense at all. He had a smirk on his face. I will never forget that mischievous smile.

Man : You are telling me that you marrying a man that you don't love. Why are you doing that?

Me : I like him a lot. Love can come after marriage. Yes, I hope it will be different way and it will not happen. I feel the burden already just thinking about marrying him but right now he is the only man that ready for commitment.

Man : Marry because you love the man not because you feel sorry for him.

I looked into his eyes. Somewhere at the back of my mind, I wanted to say something to justify my decision. But I let it go.

Me : You have a girlfriend back home anyway. How is she?

The man looked at me. My question didn't seem to make him feel uneasy at all. Seemed like it is a natural question he always get. And for the next few minutes, he told me everything about his girlfriend. How they first met. How was their first kiss. Where they first made out.

His story fascinated me so much. I smiled and took another sip of the wine.

Me : So you will be with your girlfriend and I will be waiting for the man that I don't love to come back and marry me.

Man : Yes, seems so.

I smiled and looked at my hands. He just kept staring at me. With that little smile on his face.

Man : And so? What happens now?

I looked up. Trying to understand that question.

Me : Nothing happens.

I threw a nervous laugh. He still smiles.

Man : Hey, I don't know why I feel so comfortable with you. You have such beautiful eyes.

Me :Really? I am comfortable with you too. But we are not supposed to be like this.

Man : And so? What happens now?

I swore to God, I felt so shaken that I wanted to scream. I kept smiling nervously. Looking around at the restaurant that is now almost empty.

I didn't answer him and we kept talking about other things. Each time he said something new, I felt more and more amazed with him.

Me : You are a very smart. Do you travel a lot?

He smiled and told me the stories of his parents taking him to travel from young age and how he outdid his sister in IQ test.

Me : You are very interesting and I am very impressed. You can teach me a lot of things. I love to learn about things and cultures.

Man : Sure, I can teach you. Hey, there are playing my favorite music.

He started to sing to the song. I laughed and sipped my wine again.

Man : They are very famous in my country. I listened to them when I was very young.

Me : Your taxi will be here soon?

He looked at his watch.

Man : Yeah, in few minutes.

Me : Okay, so when are you coming back?

Man : In three weeks or one month. You will see me when I come back?

Me : I don't know. We will see.

Man : And so now? What happens?

That was it. I knew what was happening. I had to find a way out.

Me : You have a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend. We go back to our lives and we will be meeting here every now and then when you come back because I live here. So nothing happens!

Man : You think so?

Me : Yes.

Man : Hey, do me a favor.

Me : What favor?

Man : Don't marry him if you are not sure. Especially if you don't love him. He cannot force you to be with him. Nobody can force you to do anything. You do whatever you want because it is your life. You understand that?

I knew I was trapped. His words made so much sense that I started to wonder if I was already infatuated by him.

Me : Your taxi is here.

Man : Oh yeah, so I will text you when I arrive?

Me : Sure.

We stood up and walked out from the restaurant. The blue executive taxi was in front of the lobby and the driver put his luggage at the back.

He hugged me and kissed me on my cheeks. We said goodbye and I waited until he disappeared with the taxi.

I walked to my car. Looking down at my dress that I wore from last night, I smiled. I looked up at the skies, I smiled. I opened my car and sit inside, still smiling.

That was the beginning of everything. Little did I know that it was also a beginning of me messing up my life.

Living a life with sense

Every now and then, someone in this world will be asking themselves 'what is my purpose living on this earth?'

I had for instance, over and over asked this question every time I had some difficult time in front of me.

And yet until this moment I still cannot find the answer.

I had at least, tried to figure out what to do with my life. Beside trying to make a living with various jobs that I don't have much heart to it, I always wanted to have a relationship that works.

Just like all the jobs I hate, relationships are the same too, in and out all the time.

So I sat down one day recently, and start to think about what kind of work that will make me happy and I will feel happy to do it? I read somewhere that doing something that you love and convert it to work will be something rewarding for your cash flow and soul.

So I had a list, I love cooking, singing, reading and meeting people. My current job is about meeting people and enriching their lives especially women, but somehow I got side tracked and lost the depth of joy in doing so.

Reading gives me more knowledge and no one in my family reads as much as I did. I tried to bring the reading culture in the family but I guess entertainment and internet got the best of them.

When I sing, I felt like I am connected with something, some kind of power that I cannot explain. I was offered many years ago to sing in a band but the situation didn't allow me to live on such a meagre income. So I passed it.

The joy of cooking is something I realized would be good for me. When I am cooking, I feel happy and my chest feels so light. This is something I should have pursue. I mentioned about it to few people and it felt better and better each time.

So maybe I should just do it. At this moment, I am able to do just that and feel free doing it.

I am not so well now and it is very important I do not stress myself out so much of being in relationship.

Having a man to be my comfort and shoulder to cry on was important for me. I thought if I had a man that gives me guidance and supportive advice I will be off much better. It was wrong, I know.

I read somewhere that great people become great in doing what they did because the love of a person that drove them to achieve it.

Friends are as important as it is, but your other half can actually share the most intimate fears you have within you.

I have yet to find the other half and each time I did, it failed me.

Unconsciously I believed I must have jeopardized my relationships with men. I am too perfect, I am too kind, I am too giving and I am too honest. It's not my words, they told me I am like this.

So it is wrong to be perfect,kind, giving and honest. To make a man committed to you is to be imperfect, selfish, stingy and dishonest. If only it is working but I am not that kind of woman so it was not the right man then.

Well, in 7 months I will be 32 and slowly but surely I will find the purpose of my life. I have to create my life so it will make sense living it each day.

All I have to do is let go of the past. And stop running from all the great possibilities of my own life.

WHAT? I am not invited?? ok lah...

Today, I got an information that I am not invited or wanted in a certain gathering that I was initially asked to join few months ago.



When I heard the news, I was not angry at all but not understanding the reason which was unclear since no communication has been provoked by the so called person who don't want my presence.



Don't get me wrong, the reason I am telling this not because I want to know the reasons but I want to let other people know that it is fine with me to be cut off.

Maybe that particular person have some issues with me that he cannot confront me with or it is just the plain stupidity of my side thinking he is more mature in dealing with such issue.



Well, it is not a biggie anyway..not a charity or award presenting event there. I am not angry but deep in my heart, I felt the pain of being outcast. I don't know who I have messed up with but that person definitely have some issue with me and you know what..I don't even care if I will know what is it or not.



I just hope the gathering will go well and everyone will be happy. To all my dear friends (you know who you are), have fun and don't drink and drive>:-p

sing me a lullaby

The very first time I wrote in this blog was about the GMT 6's.
I have found all of them now, thanks to facebook!
Okay, Rose is in Port Dickson still and now have 3 kids. Zura is so nearby my mother's place, she just moved there with her family! Oh I forgot to ask her how many kids she have but definitely she have a couple!
Midah is happy wih her 3 heroes Arjuna, Andika and Aniq and staying in Seremban with her family.
Zue is working in a bank in Klang and living with her husband and a beautiful baby girl.
The most surprising bit is Naem..she is in Johor and guess what? Married with 2 boys!!! And I was hoping she will be my partner when we meet all together as single ladies!
So officially I am the single lady now in the group and when we all meet I need to rent a couple of babies and a husband..anyone? :)))

I have sent you nothing but angels

When I was a little girl, I have always wondered why I have brothers and sisters.
Then when I was a teenager, I resented that I have parents and wished I was an orphan.
During my adolescent years, I hated human beings that came into my life with nothing but trouble.
Somehow for the past few months, after I turned 30, I came across a very inspiring spiritual book and I learnt that every soul that entered my life, they came with a reason of their own.
Each and everyone of them brought a message to my life and somehow I understand the message right away or it takes time for me to learn their messages.
A friend of mine said to me once, 'every person that entered your life brings a colour and that colour actually painted your life and make it colourful' (thanks Shazi).
My siblings taught me how to be a mature, patience and responsible sister.
My parents mistakes taught me how I can be a better parent in the future.
My relationships with men taught me how to be a loving and forgiving woman.
My friends brought out the most valuable characters in me.
And for all these, I have no reasons to hate any of them. I feel so free when I think only the good in others.
I know deep in my heart I have my dark side but my ability to see the good in others overcome my negative thoughts and ill feelings.
I pray that God will continue to bless me with these thoughts and make me see more love than hate.
It is true when He said 'I have sent you nothing but ANGELS'

Love is all there is.

Unlucky me..

I was in love once. I am pretty sure it was that one time I was ready to sacrifice all and everything for him. Then he left.
When he left, he gave me very good reasons for the break up. I don't know if it is true but the reasons have nothing to do with me. I was the perfect girl, he was just not ready. The worst part is, I bought the reasons.
When I missed him, I will get chest pains and difficulty in breathing. That was how I knew he was really important to me and I did love him that bad.

After 4 years, I knew I am not going to get those chest pains because, let's face it, I will not be in love anymore.
Unfortunately, I had this feeling again.
I was dating this guy casually. For two months or so, we had good laughs and good times together.
I felt comfortable around him, told him my secrets and worries and think about him everyday.
Then he started calling me sweetheart.
And last week, I had that chest pain. He was quite far away so I knew I am missing him.
I waited for him to come back and wanted to tell him that I had fell for him.
He came back a day earlier and we met.
I felt so happy and we were holding hands and talking to each other.
Then he told me, the last thing I wanted to hear in my entire life.

He had no choice but to keep his promise to his mother and have an arranged marriage.

Do you know that kind of feeling you think you understand the situation but somehow you are lost in words?
Oh sorry, let me rephrase..the feeling is like you get smashed in the head but you know that you are still alive and breathing?

That is exactly how I felt.
Well, what can I say? I was heartbroken because we would have been great together.
Poor guy...
Hope he will survive because I know I will..

lonely night,..

I did not sleep a wink last night. The culprit was Ferrero Rocher. I had one after midnight. Ok, two. Honestly, I had three.
Then I received an sms at 12.30am
‘What are you doing?’
I replied ‘Watching movie while doing my nails’ I colored my nails pink.
‘I felt so disturbed, can’t sleep’
I replied ‘Do you want me to come over and talk over some drinks?’ (I had hot milo in my mind)
No answer.
I started typing ala Louise Hay kind of affirmations to cheer her up but still no answer.
I guessed she decided not to talk so I continued shuffling the Astro channels while drying my nails.
After an hour, I still did not feel sleepy so I took out my cross-stitch.
Hallmark channel was showing Midsomer Murder. My favorite. Murder, mystery, motives. I just love the M word.
Therefore, I watched the two hours movie while doing my 8 years old cross-stitch (it is a huge flowery print that I am struggling to complete)
After that, I wanted to lie down and sleep but before that I went to toilet. In the bathroom, I glanced over at my bathtub.
Since I moved in, I have not had the chance to have a bubble bath. My shoulder and back was hurting from the cross stitch so I turned on the tap and start filling water in the tub.
I took out the Cassis Rose Bubble Bath and squeezed it out in the water.
Lighted up 20 scented candles, went to kitchen, and made a green tea.
I picked up a magazine and went to the bathroom.
It was 6am.
As I entered the tub of lukewarm water and sweet smelling rose bubbles, I smiled.
I soaked myself for almost 45 minutes. During that time, I tried to read the magazine but it was much better to just put my head down and close my eyes.
Somehow, thousand of thoughts were running in my head.
Thinking of why certain things happened the way they did.
Thinking of why that certain people behaved the way they did.
Thinking of whether or not, should I do that certain things after all?
Well, enough of thinking and as the water getting cold, I got up and wrapped myself in a towel.
I stepped on the scale. Hmmm...59kg. How to make it 4 or 5 kg less? Off course, exercise, exercise and exercise.
Ok no more thinking and asking myself questions, I finished my tea, went to kitchen, and had breakfast. Three pieces of French toasts. Great.
Another day to experience new things in life.

the phase

Few years ago, I was in two situations where two of my friends were getting married.
Let me call the first friend Wan and second friend Tue.
Wan called me up one night and asked me to spend the night at her place. She wanted second opinion. She was dating a married man and had came to a decision to marry him. Anyway, she wasn't sure about it. I guessed she was still on the fence of becoming his second wife.
That night we talked for hours till dawn. I assured her that being a second wife to a good man who can provide her and give her good life is not wrong. She didn't chose to fall in love with him but it happened anyhow. From what I have known from her and my own observations, he was a perfect guy.
I met Wan few days ago and we were reminiscing about old times with another friend. Wan is divorced now with two kids and what really surprised me, she talked about the night we spent and chatted about her marriage decision.
I somehow said something to her that made her married him. I said, as quoted by her, " You have to get married because unless you marry him, you wouldn't know how you will feel and what will happen. If you didn't marry then you will forever wonder what would have happen. If after marriage you are not happy then just walk out and always look back and say, I know how I feel now.."
She said my words stucked in her brain till the moment she had a mutual and understanding divorce from her husband.
I almost choked on my drink.

My other friend Tue had not asked for my advice but I was trying my very best so that she will not marry the guy she was with.
The thing is, I was the reason she knew her soon to-be husband. I introduced them with no intentions of hooking them up and a very confident feeling that they will not like each other. Somehow cupids played their parts and proved me wrong in 3 months!
When she decided to get married, I went all out and told her every nasty and ugly bits of him but somehow she said that people can change over the time and she believed that he had changed. Tue made such an effort for me to understand that this guy will take care of her. The truth is I knew him way far better to know his ability and limitations of making a woman happy. (I knew his exes, that was my firsthand sources about him)
She married him, had a kid and over the years she tried her best to pretend that she was happy until she couldn't do it anymore. I was there during her breakdowns and fights with him. I was there when she needed a place to getaway and avoid nasty arguments with him.She had very hard life, emotionally and financially with him. I did my very best to helped her and only used the phrase "I told you so" in my mind...
And recently, she informed me that she got pregnant with their second child.
Again, I almost choked on my drink.

Wan is happy now with her life. She is back in the single market and very excited about it. While Tue is still complaining about her man and the difficulties she will be having now that she is pregnant and leaving her job.

Meanwhile I am going through a phase with this amazing feeling that I was right in both their situations.That makes me thinking..should jump into the wagon now eh?

it is the time..

Exactly a month after the world was stunned with the death of Michael Jackson, we Malaysians are shocked over the demised of our most talented storyteller we had in decades. Many said that it was an untimely death for those talented human beings. God loved them more, they said.

Is there such thing as untimely death?

What is timely death then?

Yesterday, I went to visit my grandmother who was sick over the last few months and currently she got worse. Her kidneys failed and she is going through dialysis 3 times a week. She is 64 years old.

When I saw her yesterday, uneasiness crept all over me. She looked different and so frail. My mother couldn't bear to look at her feet because she worried she will see the sign of a person dying. We all know there is no hope she will back to her old self again, yet some family members still think there is hope. I just simply know that she will die soon.

I know I will not cry if she pass away. I am prepared for the news. The same way when my father died nine years ago. I didn't shed a tear because I saw his still eyes when he was in CCU and told him quietly,'just go and don't worry' He died few hours later. I am not superstitious, but I believed if I didn't say that he will still be in CCU for few more days, with all my crying family around him hoping he will not die yet. No one wanted to accept the fact he would die at the age of forty.

When my most favorite aunt lost his youngest son about three years ago, I stood still at his funeral looking at his lifeless body and wondering why he died at the age of 13? He only had a fever but he passed away in his sleep, leaving his parents blaming themselves because they thought he was resting after medication and only realized that he was gone the next morning.

My best friend in college commited suicide a week before final exams and I am still baffling with myself to this very day of the reason she decided to kill herself. When I helped with the bathing and cleaning ritual of her body, I was holding her head and saw her face so calm and I swear her lips looked like she was smiling. Why on earth a 19 year old commit suicide when she have her whole life in front of her?

I grew up being taught that I must fear death and to fear death is a symbol of fearing God.

If I fear death, then will death evades me? Or will God loves me more?

The phrase ' Tuhan lebih sayangkan dia ' really annoyed me because I don't understand it. Maybe I will never understand it. One thing for sure, there is nothing untimely about those people who died. It is just because the time is up therefore the souls must leave and we must let them go.

Al-Fatihah.

What happened the past 8 months?

What happened the past 8 months?

1. I promised I will marry him. And I am getting married to him.
2. My cooking skills getting better but going nowhere.
3. Learnt Cyrillic alphabets, got to start reading.
4. Colored my hair 4 times.
5. Read 9 books.
6. Had embarassing fights with my bestfriend. Tough one.
7. Quit smoking. At least 7 times. At this moment, not smoking for days.
8. Put on weight from 54kg to 59kg and trying my ass out to lose the extra kilos. Fuck it.
9. Cried a lot when watching nostalgic Indian movies. At least 5 times.
10. Had gastric attack for the first time.
11. Oh, turned 30 in June.
12. Didnt lost my phone even once this year which is good usually already lost two by this time.
13. Loving myself and people around me more than before.
14. Did a couple of things that I thought I will never do like sewing,acting,jumping jack.
15. This is just recent, I dont think about time anymore. Except being punctual, the concept of early,late,no time,more time does not apply to my life now.

Quite busy in 8 months there, haven't I??

2009

Well, well it is already end of January 2009. Made any new year resolutions? Yup. Try keeping it? Nope. Resolutions are meant to be broken ha..ha. Anyway, I will be 30 this year and I hope to make at least one of my resolution sees the reality. The last couple of months I came across this book, "Conversation With God" and this book truly changed me and I was never the same again! Well, that is not entirely true because I still have the same attitudes however I started thinking so much. At least it has changed my perceptions about religions and human beings. Thank you to that special person who introduced me to Neale Donald Walsch (the book, not the person perse)What amazed me was, I literally carry the book everywhere in my handbag so I will read it over and over again whenever I could. I discover something new each timeI read it. I just found out that God is funny (not funny the bad way but humorous, I think) and the ways to communicate with God, my,really blew me away. I am on the Second book now and it gets more interesting as it involves more into relationships in all ways. Writing this, I officially can say that my life is not bad at all given the circumstances of what I want in this life. This morning I told a friend that I am not afraid of death and I was shocked myself because I was so calm and really meant what I said. You see, I was the kind of person who is afraid of dark and falling down in the bathtub so it is fair that statement would surprise anybody who knows me well. I was afraid of dying as I was sure as heaven that I would go to hell... Well, not anymore ;-)

I want to quit

This afternoon I woke up, feeling dizzy. I was looking around and straight to my brain I want to smoke.

I did not smoke since Saturday and it has been two days and I realized I should take this opportunity to quit. I was with someone who don't smoke for almost a year and half, I tried to quit when I was with him, succeeded for few months then started again after he left me. Nevertheless, I have tried to quit on my own for hundreth time, failing each time and I know I must somehow kick this butt off.

Oh, I wasn't smoking since Saturday because I was spending time with a friend who don't smoke and to respect him, I didn't light up. (I did not buy any ciggie either after I finished the last one)

Why is it so hard to quit this filthy habit? I started smoking 8 years ago, and many people told me that the chances to quit this habit is better now than later.

To quit this addiction, I need to replace with another addiction. And I don't want to replace it with food like some people does. I want to get addicted to another person. Yeah I know, sound scary.

I will go through this, I will quit.

Does smoking from another person's ciggie count as smoking as whole? Yeah, right.

MEN-love and loath them

This morning I had a dream. I dreamt I died in a fire explosion. The previous week I went through two major crisis hence the dream, I guess. But the crisis was not about me. It happened to two of my good friends.

One of them got divorced one early morning and the night before that she was with me. So I was the last person who saw her as a married woman. I told her to accept her divorce as a blessing in disguise as she was physically abused way too many times by her husband. She is surviving though and for the past one week she keep coming back and reporting to me that she is doing well.

My other friend was in a complicated relationship with her boyfriend. 7 months they were together and they broke up like for the hundreth times. Everytime she break up, she will be ok for couple of days, promising not to be back with him but two days later she will be spending the night at his place and get back to the complicated relationship. Last week, for the first time she was physically abused by him, and I was the first person to see her the next morning before anyone else. I was in shocked as I never thought he will beat her up. She looked really bad.

For few days she swears that she will get rid of him for good and I had always wanted her to free herself from him as during the period they were together, I did not see that they are being happy but one after another arguments and fights. But this is what they define love, then who am I to say anything.

This morning, I was angry as I found out she went back to him. More sad than angry actually, but seriously I can never comprehend how women can be so vulnerable and easily forgive the men who hurt them physically. Are we that weak or is just a fact that men are stronger?

The funny thing is I thought my first friend who was abused for years before she got divorced was the weaker girl than the second one. Guess I was wrong.

All the men I had so far in my life never lift a finger on me, saying that, I am intolerent towards men who abuse their women.

There is never a good reason to hit the woman that you claim you love.